How much is an Arab worth?

Amongst the many shows I’ve tried to get off the ground over the years, I am particularly disappointed that the comedy panel show “How much is an Arab worth?” never made it as a series.

In reflection I think the name was a stumbling block. It was meant to read “Much much money does an Arab Gentleman have in his bank account?” rather than “How much can I buy an Arab Gentleman for?”. At the time I think my stubbornness shadowed my decision to stay with the name, and sent the pilot we made into obscurity.

What a shame. The show was such good fun. Chaired by the ever funny Cyril Fletcher (later to appear with Esther ‘toothsome’ Ransom on That’s Life!) the show featured 4 celebrity guests each week, dressed as Arab sheiks, trying to gain wealth around a circular Monopoly style game board situated behind Cyril’s head.

For the pilot (we actually referred to it as our ‘tryout show’ as the name ‘pilot’ wasn’t in use back in the day, I think it’s more common nowadays thanks to DVD extras or something) we had Reg Varney and Harry H Corbett on one side of Cyril, with Bill Pertwee and Trevor Bannister the other.

There were 5 rounds each week, the first being ‘Woman or Ass’, where the contestants got to barter with ‘an Arabian Market Stall holder’ (played brilliantly by Felix Bowness) for a wife. The 2 wittiest contestants (chosen by the studio audience’s clap-o-meter) got wives and the others got an ass each instead (wives mean two moves along the board and an ass is just one).

Round Two was ‘Oil and Water’ where the contestants had to answer general knowledge questions (we didn’t call it Triva back then you know). On the studio floor in front of Cyril there was a sand filled 5 by 5 grid which we claimed was taken from a desert (in fact the sand came from a brick layers in Teddigton). If they got a question right they could choose a square, and got a small shovel to help ‘dig’ for oil. If successful they got two moves on the circular board. If they found water they got one move (deserts can be dry and water does help), but if the square was just sand they stayed where they were.

Round Three was ‘Sinbad or Sin-good’ where our contestants had to guess if each other was lying or telling the truth about interesting facts about Arabia. I remember one fact being – eating with both hands is a sign of wealth and power as Sheiks have their own servants to wipe their bottoms after defecating and so don’t use either hand to wipe themselves. (I don’t remember if this was true or not, just the fact itself).

Round Four was ‘Selling Sand to the Arabs’ where the contestants paired up and had to recreate the classic ’sand dance’ made famous by Wilson, Keppel and Betty, along with that weeks female guests (in the pilot we had Pat Coombes and Anna Karen). The worst attempt resulted in that pair being eliminated, leaving two contestants for the final.

The final round was the deciding round between the last two contestants, known as ‘This Round Is In Tents’. They had to try and erect a Bedouin tent against the clock and move in their ‘wives’ or asses from round one (which meant a real life donkey for Bill Pertwee).

The eventual winner was Trevor Bannister, who was great fun and enjoyed every moment. He still mentions the show every time we meet at our Water Rats get together’s.

I was also disappointed the show never aired as we’d paid a lot of money for the shows opening animation featuring a comedy camel with a typical ‘tea cloth’ type head dress. I feel this type of character was later stolen by Yorkshire TV for Bully on Bullseye, and so have never spoken with Jim Bowen since.

But I shall leave you wishing to see the show for yourself, which unfortunately shall remain a wish as due to an argument in 1973 over the rights to my feature film “What A Calamity” (part of the illustrious ‘What A’ series of comedy’s, this one about Calamity Jane) the master tape of the show was thrown into Teddington Lock by a managing director from Thames TV.

Farewell for now, Max.