Clouseau and so

(Posted by Max Buffer)

In the late 70s I was trying to break into Hollywood again. Well Hollywood is a bit of an over statement seeing as my ‘foot in the door’ Blake Edwards was working (on and off) out of England on the Pink Panther films.

I’d had lunch with Blake, I can’t remember where exactly but they did a great Cod fillet in a parsley sauce, and we discussed my ideas for a Hollywood comedy about the burgeoning music scene called Punk. I felt there was a lot of fun to be had with surly idiotic teenagers who sported funny coloured hair and safety pins through body parts you wouldn’t normally insert anything into.

Imagine if you will it’s 1978 and “Star Wars” was starting to impress toy store owners with it’s range of merchandise. On the Radio and TV Space was the thing to be involved with. Some curly hair floozy was in love with a starship trooper and rubbish bins we’re being looked at as potential butlers (i.e. they looked a bit like that R2 D4 robot). But in the back rooms of pubs, including my local The King’s Blanket in Newendyke, a right old load of noise was being created but so called music bands. This was the launch of Punk Rocker Music.

I sat there, sipping my pint, thinking what we need is a big space ship to come down and blast these teenagers away with it’s big laser rockets – and with that epiphany I started writing a script.

The first draft didn’t really go anywhere. Punk Rockers were shot at or kidnapped by space robots, until the people of Earth realised that it was only a fad and they’d soon start listening to The Carpenters again (who also jumped on the space wagon with a great song about phone calls to E.T. types) and so they needed to rescue these teenagers, otherwise the worlds population would die out.

I knew there was a better script that would tie in with these two great story devices – Space and Punk – but as yet didn’t know how to execute it.

Later in the year I caught up with Blake Edwards when he was in the UK; this time with his dear lady wife, the jolly holiday herself, Julie Andrews. I think they were working together to secure funding for the cracking sex film “10″ which went on to feature my one time colleague Dudley Moore (star of the only five minutes we shot for the unfinished “What A Racket” about a tennis playing orchestra).

I used (and abused – ho ho ho, not really, well I hope they didn’t see it like that) a few contacts and managed to get Blake to agree to have lunch with me, while Julie appeared on Blue Peter or some such show for middle class kids. We discussed my Punk Space Epic and realised it ‘didn’t have legs’ (i.e. was going nowhere). But he mentioned he was gearing up for a new Pink Panther movie. I joked ‘what about a Punk Panther movie’ which made him choke on his Potato Gratin.

We bounced some ideas around and realised there were many comic opportunities to having Clouseau go under cover amongst the Punk Rocker scene with his penchant for disguises. He could have brightly coloured stupid looking hair, typical of the youth of the day at the time. He could have safety pins in his clothes and accidentally keep pricking himself, and others, on them. And he could end up singing on stage with one of the bands and becoming a celebrity as they public couldn’t understand a word he said, much like the Punk Rocker bands themselves.

The space elements would come from a sub plot where Chief Inspector Dreyfus tries to eradicate Clouseau by making him think Robots from another world are after him, in truth it would be a troupe of assassins hired by Dreyfus wrapped in tin foil.

Alas the script never was developed as I lost touch with Blake soon after the meal. Unlike now when you put someone’s number straight into your mobile phone, back then we used to write numbers on bits of paper and put them in our wallets. I would guess Blake lost mine as he never called me as promised, and I never got to note his number down as he was between houses and staying at a hotel whose number he couldn’t recall.

I may still revisit the Punk Rocker Space movie idea as it still would appeal to the children of today, but I may have to change the music to a much more up to date one, such as Heavy Metal or Happy Hardcore (the dance music scene where Ketamine is rife).

So until next time, keep watching…

An Afternoon at the Revolution

Max Buffer here with another blog for you.

The other Saturday afternoon I was watching BBC 2, I could tell you which one but I think my recycling has been collected meaning I no longer have the Daily Mail TV Supplements and can’t research this point too easily. To be more exact I was watching dear Norman Wisdom’s “Square Peg”.

This made me wonder why we no longer do slapstick comedies of modern day political situations. For those of you not familiar with Norman’s film this one is about him being mistaken for a German General in World War Two.

So I thought to myself, why didn’t the current situation in Iraq bring about at least one film ridiculing Saddam Hussein in this classic of cinematic genres? If I was in Hollywood I would have been on the phone to Adam Sandler straight away to see if he wanted to make a film where his US Soldier was mistaken for Chemical Ali and then managed to make a bouncing bomb by crossing Semtex with Silly Putty.

Perhaps Terry and I can work on putting this right and making a film about it with some of today’s popular stars like Vernon Kaye or Chris Moyles (I know they’re not comedy stars but if you get them before anyone else does – and lets face it they’re so talented someone will make them a cinematic offer soon – then you’re quids in as a producer).

But this whole meandering afternoon thought process reminded me of the film I worked on for Norman Wisdom that never made it into production. I had all but forgotten about it until seeing him as jovial Norman Pitkin fighting the Nazis.

I have also always been a big fan of classic comedy and especially love the Marx Brothers, except for Gummo who I met once in New York and was rather rude about my female companion (admittedly he was right as it turned out she wasn’t female after all, but I wasn’t too clued up about those things back in the early 70s and coming from Newendyke meant ‘The Big Apple’ was a completely different world to me).

So in 1972 I rejoiced in my love of comedy and put pen to paper, writing a classic Norman Wisdom style script that would be a bio-pic of Karl Marx – but one where Norman played Marx more like Groucho and not the great leader of peoples minds. In my script he was now called Karlo, so that his name would rhyme with his brothers – Dummo, Strummo, Lego and Penno, who all had their own traits (idiot, ukulele player, builder and writer).

Karlo Marx also had his boss Mr Grimsdov, who ran the local paper where Marx was a journalist, writing articles about boiling beetroot and queuing for bread. It was during a drinking session with his brothers that he came upon the idea for Communism as Strummo didn’t like to share his Vodka but Karlo felt that everyone was entitled to at least a shot glass full. He enthused to his brothers that everyone should be treated the same and then there will be no arguing ever again. And he suggested that perhaps this proverbial shot glass may be chipped or have a crack down it soon they will all have nice neat shot glasses. Someone asks him about Emperor’s shot glass? Surely this would not only be perfect but have a gold rim too. This got others thinking perhaps it was time to overthrow the trinket obsessed Emperor and distribute his ornate egg collection to the masses.

This doesn’t sound like it lends itself to too much comedy, but if you imagine the scene played out with drunken characters who have had far too much Vodka, the slapstick potential is endless.

I approached Norman with the script and at first he was very polite. During our lunch we discussed many alternative ways of realising the film, as it soon became clear he wasn’t happy giving up his portrayal of the hapless Pitkin character. I pointed out that perhaps it was time for a change seeing as his classic films were now behind him and that perhaps he could portray an interpretation of Groucho by adding his own nuances to the character. He even was so bold to suggest that by copying the Marx Brothers I was being derivative and lacking original thinking. I said that surely if I was unoriginal then the film would already have been done by the Marx Brothers, and as they stuck to Vaudeville rather than progressing into political farce I was obviously bringing an original twist to the bio-pic.

But after the lunch, Norman graciously thanked me for the Lemon Soul and hailed a cab without ever committing to any of the ideas we discussed. I did see him once more after this at a Water Rats cricket match where Tim Rice got a respectable 60 not out and we both found ourselves cheering him as triumphantly returned to the pavilion. Norman looked over and said “We’ve met haven’t we?” and I explained we’d discussed the film proposal. Unfortunately he then caught the eye of someone else, I never saw who, and headed for the other side of the room, swiftly ending our conversation.

So there you have it. If you have a good idea for a film it is worth pursuing, but sometimes the ego of a star – even a fading one – can scupper your plans and you have to look else where for a ‘meal ticket’.