Lush Face

Hi, Max Here.

My good friend Terry Bland (with whom I worked on many projects including the film “What a load of rubbish” and the unfinished TV series “A Pig in a Poke, has become the Pope”) sent, on Tuesday of this week, his first (hopefully of many) blog for The Media Museum.

Along with his lady partner, Babs, he recalls the great show ‘Lush Face’ (a show I almost worked on but chose the classic constabulary allotment sitcom “A Policeman’s Lot” instead).

Over to Terry -

Many will remember Lush Face! as the ill-fated panel show presented by variety comedian Morty Vicker in the late Seventies. Others may recall the recent celebrity special hosted by children’s TV favourites Dick and Dom. Lush Face began life, however, as a bizarre and baffling board game created by Thuringen Stansted (real name Percy Villa) in 1967.

Lush Face! box from 1972

Stansted’s premise is seemingly simple. The game requires two or more players. The player whose turn it is, is given a scenario, read out by one of the other players from the cards provided. They must then give a facial reaction to this scenario. From here we descend deeper into realms of complication, fantasy and sheer absurdity. The scenarios range from the extensive:

ANTHONY HAS EATEN THE LAST CRUMPET AFTER COMING HOME LATE FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS BEEN CANED AND GIVEN LINES DUE TO HIS PERSISTENT PROBLEMS WITH PUNCTUALITY. YOU ARE DISAPPOINTED WITH HIM BUT AWARE THAT ADDRESSING THE ISSUES WITH AN OUTWARD DISPLAY OF THIS EMOTION WOULD BE COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE.

To the brief:

WENDY FARTED.

Family enjoying the special 3D edition Lush Face2K! from 1999.

Points are scored out of 12 for originality, judged by the other players with guidance from Stansted’s notes and, if the family was rich enough, the two volume companion set, and combined with the median figure gained through the roll of three dice (one of which was hexagonal). Players progressed around the board shifting to different ‘realms’ eventually reaching the centre of the board. At the centre of the board would be the chance for the player to perform ‘Ultra Lush’, a combination of three facial reactions at once. If the ‘Ultra Lush’ score was more than double that of the previous player’s ‘Standard Lush’ then they would then be able to place their playing piece beyond the reach of the table or, to use Stansted’s hippy-parlance, ‘Far Out’. That player, the winner by conventional terms, would then help all the other players achieve a state of ‘Lushana’ until eventually all had made it ‘Far Out’.

Stansted’s instructions had a reputation for obfuscation, as demonstrated by this extract:

When entering a Realm (or Demi-Realm) for the first time the player must score a median hexagonal dice roll exceeding that of the two standard dice but may not be exact to, or two digits away from, the total of the previous player’s ‘Lushette’ unless that player had at that moment achieved a state of ‘Lushana’.

The popularity of the game was phenomenal. Fans applied the same rigorous scholarship to Stansted’s words as they did to Tolkein’s. Some found in his instructions and companion sets a deeper meaning and a guide for coping with the strains of modernity. It is of little surprise then to find that a cult surrounded the mysterious figure of Thuringen Stansted. Some say that he spent the last years of his life engaged in polygamous bisexual relationships, working well into his nineties on more and more complicated incarnations of Lush Face!. Others say that he merely allowed fans of the game to stay, at a reduced rate, at his caravan park in Whitby with little energy for carnal activity. Those interested in an in depth discussion of the life of Stansted and his game should read Mary Salisbury’s book Lushana! (1998). Whatever the real story of Stansted, Lush Face! remains an intriguing game full of fun for all the family with an emphasis on performance and helping out those less-enlightened or, as the game puts it, the ‘UnLushed’.

Players at a Lush Face! convention in Wisconsin, 2003.

How much is an Arab worth?

Amongst the many shows I’ve tried to get off the ground over the years, I am particularly disappointed that the comedy panel show “How much is an Arab worth?” never made it as a series.

In reflection I think the name was a stumbling block. It was meant to read “Much much money does an Arab Gentleman have in his bank account?” rather than “How much can I buy an Arab Gentleman for?”. At the time I think my stubbornness shadowed my decision to stay with the name, and sent the pilot we made into obscurity.

What a shame. The show was such good fun. Chaired by the ever funny Cyril Fletcher (later to appear with Esther ‘toothsome’ Ransom on That’s Life!) the show featured 4 celebrity guests each week, dressed as Arab sheiks, trying to gain wealth around a circular Monopoly style game board situated behind Cyril’s head.

For the pilot (we actually referred to it as our ‘tryout show’ as the name ‘pilot’ wasn’t in use back in the day, I think it’s more common nowadays thanks to DVD extras or something) we had Reg Varney and Harry H Corbett on one side of Cyril, with Bill Pertwee and Trevor Bannister the other.

There were 5 rounds each week, the first being ‘Woman or Ass’, where the contestants got to barter with ‘an Arabian Market Stall holder’ (played brilliantly by Felix Bowness) for a wife. The 2 wittiest contestants (chosen by the studio audience’s clap-o-meter) got wives and the others got an ass each instead (wives mean two moves along the board and an ass is just one).

Round Two was ‘Oil and Water’ where the contestants had to answer general knowledge questions (we didn’t call it Triva back then you know). On the studio floor in front of Cyril there was a sand filled 5 by 5 grid which we claimed was taken from a desert (in fact the sand came from a brick layers in Teddigton). If they got a question right they could choose a square, and got a small shovel to help ‘dig’ for oil. If successful they got two moves on the circular board. If they found water they got one move (deserts can be dry and water does help), but if the square was just sand they stayed where they were.

Round Three was ‘Sinbad or Sin-good’ where our contestants had to guess if each other was lying or telling the truth about interesting facts about Arabia. I remember one fact being – eating with both hands is a sign of wealth and power as Sheiks have their own servants to wipe their bottoms after defecating and so don’t use either hand to wipe themselves. (I don’t remember if this was true or not, just the fact itself).

Round Four was ‘Selling Sand to the Arabs’ where the contestants paired up and had to recreate the classic ’sand dance’ made famous by Wilson, Keppel and Betty, along with that weeks female guests (in the pilot we had Pat Coombes and Anna Karen). The worst attempt resulted in that pair being eliminated, leaving two contestants for the final.

The final round was the deciding round between the last two contestants, known as ‘This Round Is In Tents’. They had to try and erect a Bedouin tent against the clock and move in their ‘wives’ or asses from round one (which meant a real life donkey for Bill Pertwee).

The eventual winner was Trevor Bannister, who was great fun and enjoyed every moment. He still mentions the show every time we meet at our Water Rats get together’s.

I was also disappointed the show never aired as we’d paid a lot of money for the shows opening animation featuring a comedy camel with a typical ‘tea cloth’ type head dress. I feel this type of character was later stolen by Yorkshire TV for Bully on Bullseye, and so have never spoken with Jim Bowen since.

But I shall leave you wishing to see the show for yourself, which unfortunately shall remain a wish as due to an argument in 1973 over the rights to my feature film “What A Calamity” (part of the illustrious ‘What A’ series of comedy’s, this one about Calamity Jane) the master tape of the show was thrown into Teddington Lock by a managing director from Thames TV.

Farewell for now, Max.

Good Evening one and all

Thank you for joining me here in the Media Museum where I shall discuss my career in Films and TV as well as muse over the state of the media today.

But for now I shall bid adieu as I have a full Sky Plus box and Kirsty and Phil are about to come on the TV and I don’t wish to miss them.

Max.

Hello world!

Coming soon Max Buffer and Friends regale you with media based tales from days gone by.